Dating Violence

It is estimated that more than 200,000 women were forcibly raped by an intimate partner in the year 2000 (National Violence Against Women Survey 2001). Violence in a dating relationship can be emotional, sexual, or physical.

Emotional abuse
This type of abuse is also referred to as psychological abuse. It is often the form of abuse that is most difficult for people who have never been abused to understand. When taken out of context, emotional abuse may appear to be “normal.” For example, joking about a mistake someone has made can be a normal part of a relationship. However, when it is part of ongoing insults, criticism and put-downs, it reinforces a victim's feelings of worthlessness and it is abusive. Other examples of emotional abuse include:

isolating the victim
tracking everything she or he does
threatening to “out” the victim
threatening to turn friends against the victim
threatening suicide
withholding emotion
blaming the victim for everything
keeping someone from studying or doing things they enjoy

Survivors of abuse consistently say that emotional abuse is the most difficult form of abuse to recover from. Bruises and broken bones can heal, but recovering from feeling worthless is a much harder process.

Sexual abuse
The most obvious form of sexual abuse involves forcing someone to have sex. More subtle forms include:

pressuring someone to have sex or to do certain things
manipulating someone into having sex through false promises, emotional pleas, or alcohol and other drugs
not allowing the victim to use birth control or protect themselves from sexually transmitted diseases
forcing a woman to have an abortion or not allowing her to have an abortion
forcing someone to watch pornography
forcing someone to act out pornography

Sexual abuse in an intimate relationship can be very confusing. Because the victim has consented to be with this person sexually, she or he may feel that they have to agree to everything their partner wants. In a healthy relationship, a person's sexual boundaries are always respected.

Physical abuse
Physical abuse can include:

hitting or slapping
pushing, grabbing or choking
restraining the victim
burning the victim
hurting pets
damaging the victim's property
using weapons

In many abusive relationships, physical abuse is not very frequent. However, once someone has been physically abusive, the threat of it happening again can be a powerful way to control the victim.

What should I do if I'm being abused?

It’s important to know that violence and abuse are not likely to stop on their own -- episodes of violence usually become more frequent and more severe.
Talk to someone you trust. It is important to break the silence.
If you decide to leave the relationship, develop a safety plan. A safety plan can include asking a trusted friend for help, choosing a safe place to stay, and collecting money, emergency phone numbers and a bag of clothes so you can leave quickly.

How do I help a friend who’s in an abusive relationship?

If you see someone being physically abused, call 911 immediately.
In many cases, the first step to safety is the knowledge that the victim is not alone and that she or he is not crazy. It may help your friend to know that many people experience abuse and that there are resources to get help.
Be supportive and respectful. Make clear statements about your friend’s value and rights as a person, such as “No one deserves to be abused.”
Don’t criticize the abuser. A victim often has conflicting feelings about the abusive partner. If you’re critical of the abuser, the victim may become defensive or may shut down. Instead, you can talk about behaviors that are negative by saying something like, “I'm really concerned about how your partner treats you. Nobody has the right to put someone else down.”
Find out about the resources that are available.
Learn as much as you can about dating abuse.
Encourage your friend to make a safety plan if they have decided to leave the relationship. Your part in a safety plan can include walking home together, checking in at certain times of the day, and having a code word your friend can use if they need immediate help.
Do not confront the abuser. This can result in an escalation of violence against the victim.
Do not slip a hotline card or any other information about abuse into someone's bag or under a door. This can also escalate the violence against the victim.
Do not send a voicemail message or an email message about the abuse to your friend. You do not know if the abuser is monitoring the phone or the computer.
Be careful for yourself. Let your friend know what you are comfortable doing and what your boundaries are.

Adapted from Brown University Health Services.