Active Listening

Active listening is a listening process that forces you, the listener, into an active role. Active listening is more than merely hearing or listening. Rather, it is a conglomerate of specific behavior that directs your peer counseling session towards a successful conclusion. Active listening is divided into two forms of behavior, verbal and non-verbal.

Non -verbal behavior

Non verbal behavior is a natural and essential part of communication. Actually, some researchers say that up to 80% of all communication is non-verbal. The fact that you were chosen to become a RA proves that you already possess, perhaps unconsciously, the ability to read other people's body language as well as control your own. Yet in order to be an effective peer counselor, you will have to learn to consciously utilize and read non-verbal behavior. Although in a peer counseling session, your resident will be the main focus of your attention, it is wise to periodically monitor your own behavior. This will not detract from the counseling session, but rather enhance it. Here are some rules of thumb.

Active non-verbal behaviors include:

• making eye contact
• maintaining an interested facial expression
• nodding
• facing the other person
• maintaining an open position (i.e.. not crossing legs and arms)
• maintaining an attentive posture
• keeping a close proximity

• checking your watch
• fidgeting
• sighing
• foot tapping
• listening to loud music or other conversations

The verbal behavior component of active listening is more complex than the non-verbal component. Verbal active listening is comprised of open-ended questions and reflection.

Open-ended Questions

Simply put, open-ended questions are questions that cannot be answered with a "yes" or "no." These types of questions moving a peer counseling session forward. For example, it is obvious that "Is your roommate a slob?" is much less effective than "So tell me how you two have been getting along lately?"

Reflection

Reflection is the process of acting like a verbal mirror. Rephrasing someone's thoughts help clarify issues and usually have a calming effect on the situation. Effective reflection is actually quite complicated for in order to reflect well, you must capture the speaker's content and emotion. This is a skill that takes a great deal of practice and, at first, may feel unnatural. However, mastering this skill will make you a very successful peer counselor. The following example illustrates effective reflection.

"Well....I haven't been myself lately...I feel just kinda vacant and tired....my friends call and ask what is new and I say nothing and really mean it. My grades stink and I didn't make the Scotch and Soda show and nothing seems to be going right for me."

Content - "Well...it sounds like your friends have been calling and you don't tell them anything and on top of that you aren't doing well in school and didn't make the spring show."

Feeling - "You sound kind of board and discouraged."

"I Messages"

"I Messages are a clear assertive and non-threatening way of telling another person how you feel, when something happens and why" (DeBenedetti, 1992). As a RA you will probably find them most useful when dealing with conflict, especially when you are thrust into the role of mediator. I messages usually conform to the following format .

"I feel . . ." State how you feel
"When . . . " State the problem
"Because . . ." State why

"I feel disappointed when you cancel our plans at the last minute, because I look forward to the time we spend together."

"You are so irresponsible and unorganized, you always cancel our plans last minute."

• focus on the present conflict
• speak about yourself
• describe your needs

• blame
• criticize
• name call
• bring up past grievances
• offer solutions
• assume the other person knows how you feel
• accuse
• attack

Making a Referral

Making a referral is an important skill. It is useful for all types of peer counseling sessions. Referral is especially important for the RA, because successfully referring a student keeps, you, the RA, from getting in over your head. Here are some tips for making a referral.

Here are some typical student concerns about seeking counseling, and some suggested responses:

"I don't know what they could do."
"Give them a try--you've got nothing to lose.

"I want to deal with the problem myself."
"You will have to. The counselor won't deal with it for you."

"I don't want anyone to know."
"Your conversations with anyone in the Counseling Center are confidential. You don't even have give your name. No one will tell me, or your parents, or professors, or deans or anyone without your permission."

"I hate to call to make an appointment."
"Would you like me to call?" (make the call with the student there"

"I feel funny about going in there and talking to a stranger."
"I know they are very friendly. If you'd like, I'll come along with you for your first appointment."

Be sure that the student clearly understands your reasons for suggesting a referral. Let them know that you care about them.

Do not argue with the student. It is entirely his or her decision and should be respected. You cannot mandate counseling.

Maintain contact with the student. S/he may be more receptive to referral in the future.

Discuss the situation with your CA and CR.

Don't feel discouraged. Even if the resident does not act on your referral now, you may have "planted a seed" for the future.

1. Hear out the person. You should be sure, through good reflective listening, that you understands what the advisee is thinking and feeling. This will help the advisee, and it will help you decide what should be done.
2. Decide if the advisee is in crisis. Based upon what you have heard, decide whether this is a temporary, situational crisis, or whether the advisee is in true crisis, by determining whether the advisee has unsuccessfully used typical coping mechanisms, feels tension and anxiety, feels helpless to solve the problem without help, and has experienced the problem for some time.
3. Take the person seriously. No matter how trivial or unimportant the problem may seem to you, it is extremely important to the person "in crisis" and who wants help that you take the problem seriously too. The perception that one is in crisis feels as real as an actual life threatening crisis.
4. Keep calm. Even if what you are being told or see frightens or upsets you (and it probably will), do everything in your power to remain outwardly calm. The advisee needs a person who, upon seeing or hearing the problem, does not panic or reach the same emotional state as s/he is in. You should attempt to remain steady, calm, and rational. Note that being calm and rational does not mean that you should not show and express care and concern.
5. Stick with the advisee. Your physical presence and willingness to stay with the advisee will have a powerful impact. Keep the person active--talking, walking, anything to keep the person involved in the problem and give you opportunities to remain engaged with the advisee.
6. GET HELP. Do not try to be a hero and handle the crisis alone. Always call for help from your CA, CR and/or Campus Police.
7. Avoid interpretation. Crisis intervention is not the time for you to practice psychotherapy or to attempt to help the person to solve the causes of the crisis. "Psychologizing" is likely to do more harm than good and elevate your advisee's extreme emotional state.
8. Encourage venting of feelings. Emotional catharsis (venting of feelings) may help to defuse the immediate crisis. Crying, shouting, talking, punching a pillow, etc. may help the immediate crisis to pass and provide time for help to arrive.
9. Avoid arguing. You should not argue with your advisee about behaviors s/he may threaten. Doing so will just arouse anger and defensiveness.
10. Follow up. Your job is not done once you have made the referral. Unless you are instructed by CAPS (or similar professionals) otherwise, your continued emotional support of the advisee will likely be very important to him or her. In most cases, once your advisee has established a relationship with medical or counseling services it will no longer be appropriate for you to provide informal counseling with the advisee on that issue. But it will remain appropriate for you to be available as a caring friend.

Long Term Guidelines for Dealing with a Crisis

1. Encourage Continued Professional Help. Reinforce the concept that seeking and continuing in therapy for a personal crisis is a sign of mental health, not a sign that one is crazy or weak.
2. Work with the Counselor. Ask the counselor how you can be supportive. The answer may be to back off, but in most cases the answer will be to provide emotional support. Don't be discouraged that confidentiality prevents the counselor from discussing the case details with you. Doing so is illegal.
3. Be Alert to Another Crisis. Be attentive to the re-emergence of counterproductive patterns of behavior. Be attentive to the advisee during times of predictable stress, such as exams.
4. Deal with Other Residents. Very rarely do other residents fail to learn about a crisis situation. Personal crises can be frightening to other residents and very unsettling to the community chemistry. Discuss with your HF about how to address the impact of the crisis on other members of your community, while not breaking confidentiality.
5. Deal with yourself. You are one of those residents who may have been frightened and unsettled. Let your friends, staff members, CA, HF, your Dean, CAPS - someone! - help you examine the impact of your intervention and the crisis on you. You have earned the right to quite a bit of nurturing.

Here is a list of the top 15 things you can do to help your residents succeed academically.

1. Create a "majors list," and post it on the wall.
2. Create floor/building study groups
3. Have official floor/building study hours
4. Offer Take 30 Programs which focus on academic success
5. Distribute Fast Facts (Available from Learning Services)
6. Encourage your first-year students to attend Winter Orientation (Jan. 22)
7. Encourage people to apply for SURGE grants
8. Ask the Walk-in Tutors to work out of your hall for an evening
9. Encourage contact with Faculty and Teaching Assistants
10. Create a "what I learned today" section for your bulletin board
11. Encourage class attendance and adequate rest and sleep
12. Put your resident in contact with other students in his/her major
13. Enforce Quiet Hours
14. Host "A Day Without Computer Games or E-mail"
15. Hold relieving study breaks

CIT
Robert P. Kail, Associate Dean
8-2479, 110 Scaife Hall

CFA
Barbara Anderson and Luis Rico Gutierrez, Associate Deans
8-2349, CFA 100
Each department has its own advising services.

H&SS
Joseph Devine, Associate Dean and Director of the Academic Advisory Center
8-6117, Baker Hall A-57
Advisory Center:
Deborah Gerhardt, Assistant Director (Last names T-Z)
David Gass, Academic Advisor (Last names A-J)
Tracy London, Academic Advisor (Last names K-S)

IM
John Robertson, Director of Business Administration
8-2294, GSIA 139

MCS
Eric Grotzinger, Associate Dean
8-6679, Doherty Hall 1324

SCS
Peter Lee, Associate Dean for Undergraduate Education
8-3286, Wean Hall 5101

Mark Stehlik, Assistant Deant
8-3609

Jim Roberts, CS 1st Year Advisor
8-6731

C-MAP (Carnegie Mellon Action Project)
Gloria Hill, Director
8-2150
Old Student Center 125
C-MAP provides African Americans, Hispanics and Native Americans with academic advising and support

Career Center
8-2064
WH 19
The Career Center specializes in helping students decide on majors as well as careers.

Counseling and Psychological Services (CAPS)
Cindy Valley, Director
8-2922
MG E 2nd floor
The Counseling Center can assist with personal academic issues such as text anxiety, stress, and coping with failure.

Academic Development
Linda Hooper
8-6878
Old Student Center, 212
Academic Development provides referrals, written study tips (Fast Facts), time and stress management skill development, and diagnostic testing.

One thing is certain, as a RA you will come across conflict. Despite the many negative connotations our culture has about it, conflict can be an exciting opportunity. If handled well, conflicts can bring relationships to new heights and give you excellent hands-on learning experiences.

This section includes some practical information for dealing with specific types of conflict that you may run across on the job. This information, along with the brief theory and skills addressed above, should enable you to handle a wide range of conflicts. If you are interested in learning more about conflict theory, see your CA and HF and/or the following list of resources.

Fisher, Roger and Ury, William. Getting to Yes: Negotiation Agreement Without Giving In. Penguin Books.

Center for the Advancement of Applied Ethics - (8-7641). The center can provide you with written information as well as an interactive CD.

Roommate Conflicts

The most common conflicts in the residence halls stem from roommate relationships. As a RA Peer Counselor, if you assist your residents with all stages of their roommate relationships, you will, hopefully, help them avoid unhealthy conflicts and confrontations.

The beginning:

Encourage your residents to discuss their living needs and expectations. Roommates should discuss topics such as neatness, borrowing, guests, leaving messages, and music. Roommates should also create a communication strategy for the rest of the year. This is an essential step for both new students and old friends.

If your residents are having difficulty expressing their needs and expectations:

Share with them peer counseling skills, such as I-Messaging and Active Listening

Invite your resident to have a practice role play, then give him/her feedback on presenting his/her needs and expectations.

Offer to set up an initial discussion meeting for the roommates. Many times residents "just never get around to" setting up ground rules.

During the year, let your residents know that stressful times are also usually stressful on roommate relationships. Encourage your residents to find outlets for stress and fun away from the residence hall. Even the best roommates need time away from each other.

Even with careful planning, and even more likely without, roommate conflicts will arise. The following are some tips for dealing with conflicts:

Deal with conflicts as soon as possible. It will save everyone time in the long run

Encourage roommates to talk face to face, rather than through notes or e-mail.

Offer to sit in on and/or schedule a time for them to discuss the situation.

At the meeting, it is ideal to have everyone agree upon ground rules before beginning to discuss the conflict.

Ground rules may include:

• No yelling, calling or cursing
• Attempting to use the I-Message format (I feel...when you...because) whenever possible
• Setting a time limit for the discussion
• No interrupting
• Keeping the contents of the discussion Confidential
• Making a commitment to resolving the conflict

Remain non-judgmental
Be calm
Avoid interrupting or arguing
Attempt to clarify the problem through active listening. (What does everyone want?)
Ask for clarification
Summarize the issues whenever possible
Formulate a problem statement that everyone can agree upon
Help both sides generate possible solutions
Allow the roommates to choose their own solution
Re-state the solution, and get a commitment
Assist roommates in creating a roommate contract, if they need or want 1one

Roommate Contracts are formalized agreements between roommates and can be tailored to fit any conflict. Contracts can be short, long, complicated or simple. It all depends on the nature of the conflict and the people involved. Here are some tips for making good Roommate Contracts.

Good Contracts:

• Use neutral language, and do not blame
• Are very specific about dates, times etc.
• Are balanced - both parties need to accomplish something
• Are concise and complete
• Are realistic
• Include a clause about how the parties will communicate about conflicts in the future

"Jane agrees to pay Julie back for breaking her answering machine because she broke it. Jane also will ask before borrowing anything from Julie in the future."

"Jane agrees to give Julie a check for $55 dollars by Tuesday, October 7. Julie agrees to speak directly to Jane before discussing roommate issues with other members of the hallway. Both roommates agree to ask before borrowing all items (except for inexpensive earrings (under $10) and CDs), at least, two days in advance. Inexpensive earrings and CDs can be borrowed anytime, as long as the person leaves a note and returns them where she found them. If either person breaks this contract, both roommates agree to meet again with the RA or someone else from the Student Life Office."

RESOURCES:

RA, CA, or a Housefellow 8-2142
Counseling and Psychological Services 8-2922
Pittsburgh Mediation Center 381-4443
Center for the Advancement of Applied Ethics 8-7641
Fisher Roger and Ury, William Getting to Yes: Negotiation Agreement Without Giving In. Penguin Books.